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Courage

by the deadnotes

/
1.
Makeup 03:24
I am a fake the sum of all my previous mistakes hate my brain wish I could separate my body from the same I‘m building walls around myself you won‘t get closer no chance to tear `em down tear them down I love your look when you‘re uncomfortable how you don‘t mind that you‘ve got no makeup on puked in my own bed so embarassing I drink myself to death cried for help but no one notices when it is happening in your head we sometimes struggle with ourselves but now I can firmly say If a car crash doesn‘t kill me then I don‘t know what else will you‘ve got no makeup on I love your look no chance to tear them down no you ain‘t got no makeup on cosmetics rotting on my shelf now that I‘ve finally learned you‘ve got to love yourself to fall in love with somebody else I love your look when you‘re uncomfortable how you don‘t mind I love the smiles when you are comfortable how you say „fuck yeah“ when things finally work out my dear you‘re beautiful just like the way you are that‘s right, that‘s it, that‘s fine as long as you stay strong in your ways
2.
one more step and I‘ve crossed the borderline one more breath until the drugs kick in it‘s so hard to get used to not always being on time did you know you‘re not perfect, neither am I my subliminal consciousness cracks I can‘t hold back anymore oh I hate my guts all these sickening future chats smoking cigarettes in front of hospitals when was the last time I got to talk to you? when was the last time I spoke the truth? when was the last time we seemed to feel ok for fucks sake I‘m not perfect, neither are you you killed yourself erased each and every dark thought inside your head you killed yourself kill myself I‘d rather kill every issue that weakens my mental health I kill myself I can see stay awake such an understatement to say we‘re so happy so happy if we always just fuck up each other then I‘m sorry to say this might be the end if we take care of one another then I promise that I will take care of myself and I promise you that I will take care of myself I promise you, I promise
3.
face it, I am leaving as if I‘ve done this all before I was hiding from the truth for too long silently seeking pity I leave it up to you caught up in my problems left you for good and I‘m so sorry that I stopped breathing I couldn‘t be strong I was so overwhelmed by all the weight of your dreams buried by complications your begging was in vain It’s carved into my brain I can hardly concentrate I don’t know what to say Please show me how to stay I‘m drifting through my selfish ways couldn‘t cope with the way you lie motionless in the corner of your room I felt wrong and uneasy I just couldn‘t draw through I really couldn‘t get to you I‘m so sorry that I stopped breathing I couldn‘t be strong…. a feverous heat grows and I see ghosts on the ceiling and I‘m so sorry couldn‘t stop the bleeding I don‘t have the guts to let it grow
4.
Cling to You 03:47
you grew up as the smartest kid in your neighbourhood but never had anything to show your friends you had it all planned out had your life figured out you bought a dozen things you thought you‘d find comfort in you tried, you tried, you tried, you tried always doomed to miss your goal sometimes it‘s better not to cling to love nothing ever hits harder than the heaviest heartache and nostalgia burns you from the inside out follow your instincts fuck your commitements leave no space for ever lasting doubts your pale but flawless skin brace yourself for controversy you tried, you tried, you tried, you tried always doomed to miss your goal sometimes it‘s better not to cling to love your loss of temper rendered useless you won‘t even get close don‘t let your sympathy wear out heard someone speaking „oh my god“ how did we get so old heard someone whisper „oh my god“ how did we get so old heard someone screaming „oh my god“ how did we get so old heard someone shrieking „oh my god“ how did we turn so old from „playgrounds at age 14“ I wish I lived life like you over „dying 18 years old“ to a couch, aged 22
5.
Failsafe 03:22
I am too young to know what life means I‘m too young to understand I‘m wasting hours in front of tv screens as reminiscences pop up and leave yeah we know we spent the weirdest nights we know we almost failed in style there had been times when we felt comfortable with breaking into pools late at night as motion sensors turned the lights on we turned regrets off we were not afraid yet so unaware but yet so safe it was by far the best I ever felt
6.
Funtionality 03:31
you are the firework that lights up all the best parts of my heart you’re such an overthinker trying to figure out what you are thinking about tried the last couple of months to treat myself alright in a place where only struggle, stress and troubles align the foundation of all functionality is the confidence I need and just like kids having fun I cross my fingers and hope that a faster pace brings me closer to where I wanted to be stripped from my insecurities the foundation of all functionality is the confidence I never learned to face the foundation of all functionality is the confidence that shapes my heart I’m really sorry sometimes I run wild my thoughts are blurry but my dreams they flourish as my heart beats double time you are the firework there is a firework the foundation of all functionality my medication the foundation of all functionality is the confidence that shapes my heart and brain I‘m counting the hours untill I’ll burn out again god I swear I need to live through this hell
7.
heard you say I must have been blind must have been so out of my mind heard you say I lost it this time must have been blind must have been so out of my mind you‘re not alone through the doorway across the backyard I sway you‘re not alone no, not alone it‘s hard to fix your head when you’re so far away I heard you say and so I missed out this time oh it’s the little things that cheer me up and bring me back to life I heard you say so far away and I keep searching searching searching for a proper thrill to stay awake but when anxiety comes crashing in I suddenly feel like I’m duct taped to my bed when I hide under the blanket press a pillow against my head oh it’s the tiniest the smallest things that have the power to bring me back have the power to bring me back
8.
at a loss for words I can‘t take the bad blood anymore It strikes me where it hurts We‘re both silent witnesses So trapped in our weaknesses I haven‘t been myself spraypainting pictures on the wall you can shut your eyes but it‘s plain to see a fickle fake friend isn‘t what I need I feel nothing, nothing, nothing count me out cut the loose end of it now (nothing at all) too shy, too ashamed where there‘s a will there‘s a way but I‘m wrapped up in my plans I avow I don‘t find comfort in what‘s here and now and you‘ve entirely been yourself removing the dried dye from the wall no it can‘t be seen with the naked eye A good friend is all I‘ve ever tried to find I feel nothing, nothing, nothing count me out cut the loose end of it now (nothing at all) I was barely even rushing not aware what you left up your sleeve for me You tried to be there hold me back if I could go back in time bring me back I swear that I would make it right we can‘t win back the time we missed out together let me feel something, something, something instead of nothing, nothing, nothing count on me you can always count on me and though I am a coward don‘t seem to show the courage to be vulnerable I see a future in you can you still see a future in me, too?
9.
the advice you gave sleep like a stone and time will make up for all the past mistakes that you have made breathe slowly so you can bear the suffocating heat you‘re not lonely you’re getting stuck with promises you couldn‘t keep “but it‘s alright” you say you only remember the best times we’ve had you read your magazines about mental health but deep inside you know not even time can help I offered my whole heart to you but if you say I am a liar then that‘s probably the truth our connection feels so lose we‘re in love with all the bitterness and the trouble pierces you get lost, get found learn to smile or drown It’s much too late even your therapist is afraid I offered my whole heart to you but if you say I am a liar then that‘s probably the truth our connection feels so lose you're in love with all the bitterness but I‘m in love with you
10.
safe to say we‘re trapped in reality the common kings in disrespecting needs personally I wish that I had more to say I wish I could open my mouth and tell these fuckers to shut up don‘t figure out it‘s wasted time wasting your mind on someone else give me hype and give me fashion cheap thrills without regrets I am so pissed off with my priviliges but I‘m kinda stuck in it my ears shut no goals, no vision did I ever claim to be? any good in writing songs about politics and economy I figured out don‘t figure out you‘re wasting your precious time if you can‘t see immediate change I figured out that cooperation can cause a turn of events it‘s been ironically romantic ever since I figured out „If we work together things will eventually change“ an ironically romantic phrase I‘m a hopeless romantic

credits

released February 14, 2020

Recorded in Oct 2018, Dec 2018 and April 2019 at Crooked Rain Studios, Leeds, UK
Produced by Bob Cooper, mixed by Beau Burchell, mastered by Mike Kalajian

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the deadnotes Cologne, Germany

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